During the last three months, I have been navigating my first year teaching and my first co-teaching experience carefully. Most times, I have no idea what I’m doing or what I should be doing to be the best teacher I can possibly be to the students. In the process, I am also learning the importance of building community, and I’m realizing that community means a lot to me.

So, what happens when one’s co-teachers are not necessarily interested in having a co-teacher? I have worked closely with many people in the past, where I was able to learn and feel heard when situations started. I understand not everyone likes to work in groups. Moreover, co-teaching is like “cooking in someone else’s kitchen.” I have tried to watch and absorb, all while being asked to give 50% of the efforts. The latter rarely works though, as we don’t have enough to co-plan together, and the students are approaching their last regents’ examination. It often feels like we are raising against the clock to finish lesson plans, print documents, grade work, and tutor students. It’s my opinion that those who are not comfortable or feel pride and ownership of their work could end up feeling resentful about the whole situation. And while I try my best to be useful, most of the time (without a clear direction or co-planning opportunities), I feel completely useless.

The relationships we have with other people can reveal our own personalities. Our dislikes and likes, the way we communicate, and even the way we set boundaries can be indications of our own personal history. Before becoming a teacher, I worked in social services, being paid to work with people (quite literally). In that job, I was asked by my superiors to leave behind all prejudice and personal judgments. I am attempting to do the same time in this new job, but I am finding the culture a bit difficult to navigate. I’m mostly trying to avoid gossip, trying to learn all the things, and trying not to get in anybody’s way. That said, I know I struggle to be appropriately assertive.

The continuous task of reevaluating my own prejudices forced me to develop a certain level of self-understanding and understanding about others. Unfortunately, however, I was not often able to establish a healthy level of comfort being assertive.

My first year as a teacher has presented me with many opportunities to be assertive, but the lack of time or the fast-paced environment makes it difficult for me to practice assertiveness without damaging the small gains I’ve accomplished to establish with my co-teachers.

Age and experience have also played a role in our relationship. As a first-year teacher, I am trying to be careful in straddling a line between being an apprentice and an advocate for my students. I have worked hard to develop a strong sense of self, but under the critical eye of more experienced teachers, I find myself doubting my skills and my ability to manage student behavior in the classroom. For example, one of my co-teachers can have a more aggressive and punitive approach to classroom management in the school. At times, I find his plan to be a little too punitive for the student, but I find myself doubting whether I could do any better. My second co-teacher is a seasoned instructor with a lot of knowledge and insight into pedagogy. Yet, she could be a little inflexible in the classroom and to slow trust those around her.

In the last three months, I have been trying to figure my position within this equation, balancing my role in the classroom. Most of my time and effort has gone to building working relationships with my coworkers, but at times, I find that it causes significant anxiety.